


The One Where Ignis Pees On A Daemon

by MissKita



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: ChillXV, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, GladnisXV, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Mild Language, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-16 17:30:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12347301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissKita/pseuds/MissKita
Summary: During a late-night pee break, Ignis is ambushed by a daemon. How can he get out of this one with his dignity and his life?





	The One Where Ignis Pees On A Daemon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chiii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiii/gifts).



Ignis was awakened by the pressure on his bladder. He stared up at the ceiling from his spot next to Gladio. They were all huddled in a tent, camping for the fifth day in a row.

With a soft sigh, Ignis crawled over his sleeping companion and exited the tent. But not before grabbing a pack of tissues, wipes and hand sanitizer. The woods wasn’t a proper bathroom, but he would be damned if he was going to wipe his ass with leaves.

He wandered into the woods, taking the beaten path for the lake. He didn’t want to go too close to camp. And urinating near the Regalia was akin to treason. Something about it seemed inappropriate.  It was a warm, sticky night and the ground was still soft from earlier rains. His shoes sank and slipped on grass as he rushed along. By the time the lake came into view, his bladder was near bursting.  

He gave the scenery a quick scan. The lake was clear and still, stars dotting the surface. The trees rustled gently. And there were no daemons. Grand. He could piss in peace.

Ignis unbuckled and unzipped, letting his pants fall down his legs. Cool air hit his freshly shaved thighs. He always felt like a wild animal standing out in nature with his unmentionables exposed to the Astrals.

Or the Ass-trals, rather.  Hah.

He snorted at his own stupid thought and pulled his penis through the slit in his boxer briefs. The sticky, humid air hit it and he twitched. If he didn't have to pee so bad, this might be erotic. Perhaps he’d enjoy a bit of self-pleasure before returning to camp, letting his mind wander to the object of his desires, Gladio. But before he could do any of that, he really, really had to pee.

He closed his eyes and waited. He always felt a stopped up when he had to relieve himself in public or out in the open. He could feel the eyes of critters watching him unsheathed and exposed, violating their space with his bodily fluids.  

He forced himself to relax and soon the stream started.

The pressure in his bladder eased up as he emptied. He arched his hips forward just a bit and aimed for the lake. There was a lot of it. Perhaps he had gone a little far tonight with the beverages. The sound of his urine splattering on stones near the edge of the lake was all he heard for a moment.

But then. A low growl. The telltale tingle in the air of something dark and mystic. The immediate area dimmed around him.

Daemons.

Oh no.

Plans of action rushed in his mind but he could do nothing. He had his pants around his ankles and his penis in his hands still spewing an entire lake's worth of urine. He urged it to hurry along, shook his penis a bit as if that would help, tried to force his bladder to hurry the hell up.

A fire daemon popped up right next to him. He could feel its heat radiating on his skin. He immediately started to sweat. It pooled around the rims of his glasses and dripped down his back.

He would not die in such an undignified way.

Without a second thought, he spun around. He aimed his draining penis at the thing, spraying it with a thick stream of piss.

The fire daemon flailed and flared up, smoke spewing from its body. Ignis screamed, stumbling back and continuing to spray.

“Back, foul daemon! Back to the fiery depths from whence you came!”

The demon flailed all the more. It’s black eyes narrowed. Was it...was it _offended_ at the turn of events?

Ignis barked a deranged laugh. “How dare you be affronted! This is what you deserve!”

The daemon hissed and sputtered, struggling under the powerful stream of piss, but it's flames still lived.

And then Ignis’s pee trickled out.

For a moment he and the fire bomb daemon stared at one another. Then, the daemon's eyes narrowed and it's fangs bared. The daemon roared, it's fire and body getting bigger. Urine dripped from its flames. Ignis was forced backward. He slipped on the piss slickened stones behind him and landed hard on his back, halfway in the lake.

The creature advanced. Ignis conjured his daggers.

But before he could scramble to his feet, he heard a battle cry.

Footsteps thundered to his left. Gladio burst from the trees, ice infused blade in hand, charging the thing. In one powerful, arcing slash, the Shield launched himself at it, blade first. It died on impact. The urine soaked fire daemon disappeared in black liquid.

Gladio looked around the area likely scanning for more demons. Satisfied, he let his blade disappear. Ignis quickly stuffed himself back in his pants.

Gladio rushed over to him before he could do much else. “Iggy, are you OK?!”

Ignis nodded. His face was hot with embarrassment and his heart still rushed from the fight. Gladio helped him stand up straight. He was damp from his fall in the lake.

“I’m fine,” Ignis muttered.

Gladio looked down. Ignis followed his gaze and balked. In his haste, he hadn’t properly concealed himself. His zipper was down, his fly wide open and his penis peeking out of his boxers.

“What the fuck, Iggy? You were out here fapping?”

“I was NOT!” Ignis was indignant. He stomped his feet and glared up at Gladio. “You think I would risk life and limb for a few minutes of late-night pleasure?”

Gladio shrugged. “Urges make us do stupid shit. What happened?”

Ignis growled a sigh through his teeth. He focused on making himself decent. “I know I shouldn't have wandered off alone, but I needed to use the bathroom. That’s all.”

Gladio took in the scene. Ignis stomach dropped as Gladio put two and two together. “Ahh damn...that’s what I saw. That’s why it was dripping!? You were pissing on the damn thing?! Is that what I'm smelling?”

They'd had asparagus for dinner at camp. Its smell was distinct and pungent in urine.

Ignis face burned. He balled up his fists. “Shut your mouth, Gladio. I had to act quickly. I will NOT be mocked.”

Gladio put up his palms in defense. He took a placating step toward Ignis, but Ignis glared and he stopped short.  “Hey, I ain’t mocking you. I probably would’ve pissed on the thing too. Whatever. I'm just glad you're OK. You're lucky I was awake and could follow the screaming.”

Ignis sighed, wholly embarrassed. “I’m not angry with you. I’m grateful. Embarrassed. Humiliated, but grateful. Thank you.”

Gladio's expression softened in the light of his flashlight. “Betcha won't make that mistake again. Good thing you weren't shitting.”

Ignis grimaced and turned on his heel, which squelched on urine. Bloody hell. “ Yes well. Let's head back. I need a shower.”

Gladio shrugged and they headed back to camp. Ignis was consumed in his own embarrassment, angry at himself and the bomb daemon. Gladio's hand was a small comfort on his shoulder.

“I won't tell anyone.”

“You better not.”

“Or you'll piss on me?”

“The yellow liquid in your noodles may not be water next time if you do not cease with this teasing.”

Gladio guffawed and thumped Ignis on the shoulder. “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I think that demon was just trying to check out your junk.”

Ignis swatted Gladio hard on the back of his head. The larger man yelped and then burst into laughter.

Ignis stomped ahead.

“I'm sorry, Iggy!”

Ignis rounded on Gladio, thrusting his index finger hard into his chest.

Gladio bucked his eyes, taking a step back. Ignis kept forward, prodding him until Gladio was trapped against a tree.

“You look here, Amicitia.”

“I'm looking.”

“If you utter a bloody word about this to anyone, I will make your life miserable.”

Gladio chuckled, but Ignis drove his knee into his groin and pushed up against him, grabbing him by his shirt. He got so close they were nose to nose. Lips brushing. Despite the situation, Ignis felt his penis twitch.

He infused his voice with as much venom as he could muster. “I mean it. Do not test me.”

Gladio made a weird little noise in his throat. “I'll behave.”

Ignis pulled back a bit and stared at him a moment, glaring. Gladio looked stunned but contrite. There was still a stupid smile at the corner of his mouth. “You had better.”

"I swear it on my honor as Shield."

Ignis stared at him a moment. He couldn't tell if he was serious or not. Would he truly use his duty in jest? He released him, straightening Gladio's shirt. “I apologize for being rough with you but you needed to be made fully aware of the situation.”

Gladio grunted. “Yeah. You're hot when you're upset, Iggy. I'm kinda turned on.”

Ignis felt himself blush. He quickly turned away and stomped toward the campsite, which was in view. He heard Gladio stomping along behind him. He called over his shoulder. “Flattery will get you nowhere. ”

He barely heard it, but Gladio muttered something that sounded a lot like, “We'll see.”

He didn't dwell on it. He had far more pressing matters than Gladio's stupid flirtatious remarks. He needed a shower to wash away the memory of pissing on that bomb daemon.

The next morning at breakfast, Ignis declared a new rule to Noctis, Prompto, and a grinning Gladio: Nighttime potty breaks at camp required the buddy system.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'd apologize for this fic, but I'm not sorry. It is a tradition for me to write one crack fic per fandom. This is that fic. I blame Chiii. Come scream at me on Twitter @IvyScientia.


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